It finally dawned on me 2 days ago that I think Eujin had something for me back then 4 years ago.
Cos somehow I figure out of the blue after alot of strange encounter these days.
Kinda explained why he backed out suddenly the min he found out about me & alex.
He must had felt so shattered.
The only way he could get out of that heartbreak was to push me away, get me out of his life so he could move on with his.

Sigh....Why didnt he tell me how he felt?
Why didn't he give me a chance to make my own choice?
Though I know his good & noble intention.
One is his very good friend. Another is his dearest angel who was the only girl whom he brought home.
He chose to give his blessing indeed.
But all his effort went to waste cos things never work out between me & alex.

I wonder what life would be like if eujin was in it.
He was so thoughtful and caring.
I also wonder who would I have chosen if I had the freedom of choice.

Now I am really wondering why do I always get stuck in triangle.
WHY WHY WHY?!
Is this how heaven punishing me?
Or is Pukey so right that I am a fox spirit?
Why cant I love freely?
Why do I always have to incur someone unhappiness to build my own happiness?

Often I wonder what's so wonderful about being in a relationship.
I wonder if I am the only weird one wondering this.
I wonder if it is because I am such a commitment phobic.

Somehow I just cant figure life with so called someone significant in it.
In fact, I just cant figure life with anyone else in it besides my friends and family.
So I am really wondering if it is because I have really not met THE ONE.
OR simply I will never meet THE ONE with my mindset like this.

All these wonderment of life strange encounters make me confused and tiring.
That's probably the reason why I dont think it is that wonderful being in a relationship.
Because it brings such unnecessary headaches.
Felt like we are asking for it.

There are alot of cheekopek at work. Pretty annoying sometimes but u cant really offend them since u never know when u need their help. There is this stupid fella who just like calling my names all the times for fun. Not funny lo. Nothing also call my name. So i told him jokkingly that he has to pay me 5bucks everytime he calls my name with no reason. He is damn annoying cos he is the laziest person at work. He usually doesnt do anything and yet he is a Asst mgr. Gosh!

Then there is another guy who has been trying to be funny. But at least he helps me out with my work so I am not complaining much. He wanna act macho wah...so everytime come to my rescue or he will protect me when others bully me. Then he asked me this stupid question 2 days ago. He asked me "Are you married?". I mean what kind of question is that?! So i replied "I am divorced"...then his face colour changed. Then he come and tell me I broke his heart. Oh so good! That is exactly my intention!

Also, all the aunties always ask me if I got bf. Then always trying to introduce me to their sons like machiam free advertising. Give me a break man..

But I love my fellow female colleagues. This girl karen is really nice and she always look out for me. There was once I was bullied. She came to my rescue and scolded this stupid ah pek. Then she will tell me how to watch out. I would say beside a few funny people, most of them are really nice. I guess it helps that I frequent temple to pray.

So pals, dont worry about me. I am doing just fine.

3rd week @ work

Working for about 3 weeks & counting...guess u could say im getting used to the work and getting a hang of it...I felt that life is too short to be miserable and esp if u feel u r doing sth u do not enjoy, i feel like im letting myself down..so decided to make the best out of what I have and am doing. Thats the spirit of Princess meimei I guess. So I tell myself to be happy about what im doing. At least I am smiling alot at work. & it is nice to stay happy cos then everyone seems very happy to see me and everyone started smiling back at me. Thereby I verified that happiness is contagious.

Even though I met all sort of funny people at work, im glad there is always someone there to protect me or watch over me. Kinda nice to know people are nice to me. I just dont wanna step on anyone's toes. I guess I am really smart that way knowing how to tackle people. Cool stuff! Though there are some people who are not very happy with me for the fact that im learning things too fast and that the mgmt is "rushing" to train me. Cos apparently, i learn a new role and a new job responsiblity every week. According to them, usually people take 4wks-6wks to learn sth i learn on 2nd week. & it took 3mths for them for sth I learnt on my 3rd wk.

Well...I felt encouraged and the fact that I get to learn new stuff kept me going. Of cos there are times I really wanna give up! But this thought haven crossed my mind ever since you told me not to give up. It kept me going! ;)

So thats all about my working life now.

The people at the outlet

I am grateful that my mentor, Joey is a very nice lady who is extremely patient. She is very willing to teach and I like how she watched out for me. I am really blessed. Some of the colleagues seem alittle bitchy. While another assistant manager looks real indifferent and aloof. Nonetheless, my 6 weeks in St James has taught me something.

Rule #1: Smile ridiculously.
They will be giving you ridiculous look for the first time you smile but if you keep smiling everytime your eyes met, somehow afterwhile they will return your smile and their guard against you will be down.

Rule #2: Stay Sweet and act dumb
Even if you are not the sweet girl kind, just try god damn hard to ACT sweet. Somehow it works. Also, people are nicer to you if they think you are dumb cos then you wont be a threat to them.

OH! I must tell you guys about this colleague who kept staring at me ever since I reached the outlet until I felt uncomfortable. But everytime I just smiled real sweetly at HER. Then she suddenly said this in a rush "I am in love with your skin." Geez! I am wondering if I am giving people the wrong vibes. Then she started to tail me. Whenever I go near my bag, she will hurry up appear and scrutinize what I am doing. There was once I put my hand moisturizer, then she asked me in such a hurry "what you putting? what you putting? quick tell me what brand? what brand? where you buy?" I was like wth. Gave me a shock as though it is a crime to put hand lotion in the outlet. BASKET!! & whenever I need help, she will be a corner to answer my queries or "come to my rescue" even when I am going to ask someone else, she will still walk towards me and offer her help. GOSH?! I mean I am grateful that there is someone there to watch out for me but no need in such creepy manner, right?

My first week work schedule

Oh! I dont have a fixed off-day and I will only be informed of my next weekly work schedule on every friday of the week.
To those who wants to ask me out, this week im working on morning shift.
Tuesday - 9am - 530pm
Wednesday - Friday 9am-6pm
Saturday - YAY! My off day!! ;)
Sunday - 630pm-1030pm

QUICK! DATE ME!! hahahaha

PS. I would really appreciate it, if you guys do not come & visit me YET at the outlet.

SHANNON! hear that?! I will be really angry with you if you do. I am dead serious.

Reflection, Day 1@work

Today marks my first day at work. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster ride for me the entire day. Really mixed emotion and I am just overwhelmed. Still trying very very hard to struggle within myself. However, for now I could say I survived one day.

I really ended up doing something I wish I dont have to do. I guess it is unavoidable to serve customer when u r in F&B. I felt real sucky and it was real demoralizing. I have to admit it was my pride and my unwillingness to cast aside my own identity to eat the humble pie that really kills me. I have this disgusting thinking like my dad probably richer than Douglus Foo and why do I have to resort to this? I wonder to myself, do I really have to go through such shit? I tell myself why dont I pursue my Masters when my dad is so willing to offer me the money to study? I just cant stand why I have to go through all these shit and that do I necessary have to do it this way.

Then I found out that there are so many management trainee and management associate (MA) even in my outlet itself. It doesnt help that when I found out that another fellow MA (phillipines) has been with the company for 2 years and she is still stuck in the restaurant. I tell myself if I will be to stuck in the outlet for 2 years, I will DIE! All these really kills me.

Then on second thought, I was kinda disgusted with myself. So much talk about wanting to start from scratch and working all the way up. So much talk about walking out of comfort zone. But here i am still stuck in the rich man's daughter's identity. When people said I am good cos of my rich dad and that I cant walk away from my dad's shadow, I am always this fury mad. and yet, what I am doing and feeling, not proving very much to what I am saying. So today I learnt my 1st important lesson. I have learnt to attach the value to the statement "it is easier said than done". I have also realized, I am really an empty shell. So much talk but no action or rather never thought through the details of how to all the BIG statment I made.

When I am feeling really low, it wasn't easy for me to struggle all these within myself while still learning and working at the same time. It was indeed really tough. Seriously, people can say I am a loser. I think I am a loser too. BUT I am not going to just easily admit I am.

Lesson 2: I have learnt to attach the value to the statement "you have to challenge yourself to move forward". That is what I have decided to do. That's how my drive and motivation came about. I have brave the storm. At the age of 20, I have went to court alone on behalf of my dad to face the judge to hear an order. I have done much tougher stuff. & now I think I am a loser just because my pride is working on me? I feel 不甘心 to just give in like this. That is not meimei. So I told myself I have to live with my words and set example if not whatever I am going to say in future is not going to carry weight. I definitely do not want to be disrespected all my life by myself.

So finally, I managed to cast aside my identity. Meimei is a nobody. From there on, the second half of the day was much better. I tell myself to chin up, stand tall and take pride in what I am doing. If I am not proud of my own job, how to expect people to be proud of me. I talked about my mom being disgusting to look down upon decent job and yet I am committing the very own mistake. That is even more disgusting act. So finally, I started smiling ridiculously and do my job well. I wouldnt say I am happy now but definitely felt much better and I am proud of myself to have brave through it.

It was even more encouraging to hear when my assistant manager, Joey (who is my supervisor cum mentor) told me that I have to learn very fast cos she has just been told by the restaurant manager (who pop by) that she has to impart everything she knows fast fast to me cos I am on a fast track unlike the other MAs. I asked her how come then she said apparently, they were informed by the managment. Probably there are thinking of rotating me to other outlet or whatever. Ok! That sound comforting. Even though I have to learn really alot and pick up real fast today beyond I could cope, I am glad to be this way.

So here is the story of my first day at work. I shall not be ambitious to say anything now. I am just going to live through day by day. I will just make sure I live by the motto of just surviving another day doing my best.

Oh man! This is really such a sucky feeling & somehow I just cant get over it. Nothing seems to cheer me up despite locking myself up at home the entire yesterday and gorging on food, it just doesnt help. Such a horrid feeling... ...

As days pass, im fretting over my new job. Feeling real apprehensive about the new jobscope. I wonder if I could survive. I doubt i will. I am such a spoiltbrat and so princessy. Yet I want to prove myself wrong. This has been a real struggle. I wish I am more down-to-earth. The thoughts of serving customers just dont go down well with me. It has been really bad days.

DaRn! I am not good enough?!

Well...was busy preparing for L'Oreal interview the past weeks doing case study and presentation slides. After 2 intensive round of interview, I was informed yesterday that I am not selected. hmmm.........

Frankly speaking, I am extremely disappointed. I know I have tried my best and I am very confident of my performance. I may sound cocky but I think I am good enough for the position. However, it seems like it that somehow I am not good enough. I have no idea the reason why I am not selected. It feels real sucky. I am not going to live with consolation that maybe it is a blessing in disguise. BULLSHIT! Neither am i going to resign with the fact that I am not good enough. It was definitely not a good way to start someone's career with such disappointment. Such a horrible feeling!

I know I will get over it. I know I will be strong but somehow I just cant swollow it down. Whether or not I want the job is secondary but not being selected is damn demoralizing. Sometimes I really wonder if I really have what it takes. I wonder if all my confidence is pure inflated ego with no substance. I wonder if I am competent enough to strike it out on my own. Suddenly alot of thoughts gush into my head and I dont even know how to face myself.